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adayinmyworldsite

Navy wife, mom, and all around chaos

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Not so Normal Days

Utter exhaustion 

(Image is of the trees along my daily walk with the leaves changing colors.)

Exhaustion has many faces and many symptoms. It is the feeling in your bones that you just can’t make another move, it is that feeling in your mind that prevents cognitive thinking. For me it is almost always that feeling of being on the verge of a panic attack, the speed up heart rate and that heavy feeling in my chest. It is the inability to relax. 

Today I am exhausted, my body is fighting the remnants of a cold, my mind is fighting a migraine, and my heart is heavy from missing my family for the last two days. I have 6 more days until I get a break from work, six full work days until I have dinner with my family. Six nights my daughter goes to bed with only my husband home, six nights I miss tucking her in. It’s not the first time I’ve worked several consecutive days and missed bed times, and it won’t be the last. 

I’m proud to be a working mom, I’m proud to be able to contribute to my family’s financial well being. But I’m sad that it comes with such a cost. My hope is that by this time next year I won’t need to  miss so much, that I will be home for dinner more often than I’m away. My hope is that this stress and exhaustion will be completely worth the financial aid it brings. 

So until the day comes that this is all worth it, I will be exhausted and drained. I will enjoy the fact I get my mornings with my Mini-Me and a few minutes alone with my husband. I will find the little things to make it all worth while. 

Work

(Image is a picture of Jax being lazy, which is what I wish I could do!)

I’m not officially a manager in training at a sports store in my area. It is a wonderful opportunity, a great chance to learn and get ahead in any career feild I choose when I decided what I want to be when I grow up. I appreciate this opportunity and I am wildly excited for the chance to learn and do something new. A job with benefits I don’t really need as well as eventual paid time off and a full time schedule. But no flexibility with my hours, and a boss who can’t teach and only working night shifts.

However the manager, well he sucks. But at the job I had first the managers are awesome. They are also offering me a promotion and a raise along with better hours. I work with people I like and get along with, at a job I have fun doing. It’s not a big deal job or great wages but I fell competent when I go to work. 

So how do I choose between the great job with the list of benefits that I am not positive I can do or the job I already sure I can do and enjoy. The first job that will give the money to help support my family and get ahead but I’ll have no family time or the job I enjoy with flexible work hours and definitely have time for my family, the pay is just slightly less. 

I hate the situation and I hate having to make a choice like this. Here’s to the next month of figuring out what to do and how to do it! 

Hospital visits

A few days ago texts began coming in, a group text actually, my gram is in the hospital and they were flying her to a major Hospital in Seattle. 

My gram who was until this happy, healthy, and my favorite. My gram who has been through so much in her life and things were finally getting back to a place where she was truly happy. My gram who I don’t call nearly enough or visit nearly enough. The woman who I take her nearness for granted even though I know my time near her is in short supply. 

That wonderful lady I get the privilege of being related to is in the hospital fighting off a major infection. She has had two surgeries in the last few days and they aren’t sure if she will need a third yet. 

I have to say this is the most terrifying thing I have ever dealt with and the not knowing is the the worst part. I’m lost and scared, unlike when I was a kid my parents are just as lost and scared as I am. 

Over it

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(Image is just a beautiful picture I took today over looking the Hood Canal, near the puget sound)

I really just want today to be over. The waiting game the long day and tedious wait tomorrow. If you can’t tell if am far from a patient person! And I have to wait 24 hours for something I want to happen now. Yes I am being vague and I am sorry! I know everyone hates that, I despise it when people are vague. But I have to be for safety reasons. But I just wanted to vent about the fact that I despise waiting!!

A little more coherent this time

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(Image says be awesome today)

So my anxiety has been murderous the last few days. I got into a rare argument with the husband (and by rare I mean in three years it’s happened like four times, pretty lucky I know). All because I thought he was mad at me for forgetting to do something simple, he wasn’t mad until I snapped at him (defensive is the word he used). I honestly didn’t even know what that meant and it made me mad as hell. How can I be doing something when I don’t even know what it is? Well after spending as much time as I possibly could away from him and googling what it was, I realized he was right. Several years of mental abuse from my ex taught me to be defensive. And that wasn’t my husbands fault. That’s what no female wants to admit when they’re angry. So of course that brings my anxiety up and going.
So I have spent everyday sense then exhausted, senses on full alert, scattered brain, stressed, and just not really loving my life. Yesterday I couldn’t remember if I packed my kid a lunch for school, so I stressed until she came home. I forgot to buy dog food so my dog went without the good stuff for dinner (he got fed but not as much or what he normally gets), mostly because I knew I couldn’t handle going to a store. I spent last night doing everything I knew to calm down. It took my lovely gift of a daughter coming out from her room when she couldn’t sleep just for cuddles. Apparently I needed to cuddle into her innocent arms just as much as she needed mine, and just breath. We turned the tv off and layer on the couch, then we stretched our muscles. She went to bed and I went to shower then bed. It was therapeutic just to hold my baby girl and just breath.

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(Image is of a Harry Potter coloring book and box of crayons. They probably helped the stress too!)

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