*Image is of my messy living room floor with my niece and her best friend, AKA Jax my dog*
Today! Goodness today, I loved it! I needed it! The best part, my best friend didn’t even know I needed it. It started with me awaking to my phone going crazy with the A (we are just going to give the best friend a name here lol) needing me to watch her daughters. I love these girls so of course, despite the depression rolling in, I would take them. My door is always open to family and friends! So I spent an hour or so with her before she had to go to work then I chased kids for her entire shift (all seven hours lol). It was exactly what I needed noise in my quiet house, laughter from littles that was infectious! My dog glowing in the attention, me caring for some one else. I needed the push forward away from the sad. Then to my complete surprise A stayed with me after her shift. We had dinner, we sat outside until the sun went down and laughed until our stomachs hurt. We talked as we watched terrible B movies until A and her kids fell asleep on my couches.
Sometimes it’s those moments where a person realizes that despite having a small circle, those few are the ones that count. A, tonight, was my savior, she was the friend that was there and didn’t even know I needed her, hell I didn’t even know I needed her. Until I did, until she was there, until my abs were screaming while I was laughing. And somewhere in this day that weight that I didn’t fully notice yet it lifted. And I was free.
How you might ask did I know it lifted if I didn’t know it was there? Well I have been battling depression (and yes it is a full battle even on my good days) for 13 years, now that’s not forever but it’s since I was 15 so long enough for me to have an understanding. That heaviness that comes with the depression, the tension that rolls across my shoulders and neck. You know that voice in your head telling you something is off, well it’s that kind of but more like you’re wearing a wet blanket. More than anything there is a weight to the feelings, there is a darkness to the thoughts, there is a fight every time to break free. There is a war inside my head between my inner demons and my inner happiness every single day. And today was a great day!
On another note my daughter, let’s give her a name too! How about Tara, yup that will work for this. She ran the beach, rolled in the sand, swam in the river, fished with her grandparents and cousins, roasted marshmallows over a fire, and asked her gram to tell me she misses me and loves me to the moon. Another reason it was a great day, Tara got to experience technology free fun and adventures. Now I don’t let her have all the screen time she wants by no means but I do let her have screen time. But today my wonderful parents said ‘no electronics, except the camera’ and did the pictures paint a story! I remember being a child and having that much fun doing the very same things except there was no screens to put away for me! My mom says that I was born with scales, not meaning I’m a great swimmer but that if there’s water around she knows I want in. Tara is the same, she swam in the river with her cousin, mind you said river flows off the mountain and the Flatts they were at is always in the shade, so burr! But she did because it was exactly what she wanted to do and why not?
Today was one of those days that I wish I could rewind and do again! It was the day I needed. Tomorrow will be a wonderful day too, A, children, Jax, and I are going to spend it at the beach ourselves. I have a few kid free days left and instead of being content in my bubble (read – in my safety blanket) I am going to people! Haha! I will get out of my house, go to the book store, the library, the dog park, and maybe I will brave the mall to go to my favorite store!
*Note this was written in the middle of the night before I fell asleep.*